Ep. 37 | F*ck Flattering: Fashion as Resistance

In this episode, Melanie discusses the politics of plus size fashion, reflecting on her personal journey as a fashion enthusiast who also lives her life in a fat body. She explores the discrimination within the industry, the challenges fat folks can face when finding clothes and discovering their own style. Melanie shares tools and reframed language that she uses to heal her body image, breaking fashion rules and embracing her personal style.

In this episode:

• Why weight loss isn’t the solution to a systemic issue
• The lack of care and consideration that goes into plus size fashion
• What I wish straight sized people understood about the plus size shopping experience
• How fat phobia prevents us from finding our own personal style
• Five tools and language reframes for healing our body image

🧡 Things to check out:

• Listen to episode 22 of The Culture Of It All!
• Check out Viva Voce on socials

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Until next time, pals — keep showing up, speaking up, and taking up space.

Transcript

Melanie Knights [she/they] (00:00)
Hello friends, hello my plus size pals, hello everybody, welcome back to a brand new episode of the Culture Of It All This is episode 37 and as you can probably tell from the title, we are talking about fashion, one of my favorite things. But specifically, we're going to be focusing on the politics of plus size fashion, the fat erasure that is happening within the fashion industry and how fashion really getting dressed as a plus size person right now.

is an act of resistance. It is political. Fashion has always been political. I'm going to be talking a little bit about style and how we can do that without shrinking our bodies and I'll be sharing with you some tools and practices that I've used and continue to use to really help me listen to myself, trust my body, trust myself, trust what I know to be true and to help me when I'm perhaps not feeling

100 % confident when I'm not feeling maybe even 80 % confident. And some of the ways in which I speak to myself when I am getting dressed, when I am considering outfits and things like that.

So as I shared with you in last week's episode, the conversations in this season are really going to be an extension of the conversations within the

zine that I published in early October, full volume. Full volume is about sharing fat stories, sharing them unapologetically, sharing them loudly, sharing them at full volume. Because we have stories and right now in this thin focused era, in this time when it feels like everyone is on some kind of weight loss journey, and also feels as though

being in a larger body just pisses everyone off. We need to have a space where we can share these stories. Not only for us right now, because in the future, when this era comes to an end, we still need these stories to exist. We've always had stories and we need places to be able to share them.

As I reflected on creating and designing and publishing this zine, I realised that for me it was healing. Yes, my perfectionist, she tried to take me down, but my inner perfectionism nearly won. And also it was healing. It healed a part of me. It healed that teen, that 20-something year old who really lost herself for a long time.

What I realised is that, you know, when I was 17, 18, I was in college studying fashion. And at that time I was deep in grief. I was experiencing my own personal grief. I had lost my dad a year before. And also it was the first time that I had realised how awful the world could be. I was at this point in life where I was realising the world wasn't gonna protect me, that the world was actually a really scary place.

And I had felt very safe until that point. And all of a sudden my safety seemed to not only had this physical person who kept me safe had gone, I just didn't feel as safe anymore. And I was grieving and I was studying fashion. And one of the things about studying fashion in college was that it wasn't about like designing pretty clothes. Like it wasn't about that. It was about

designing something that shared something about yourself. And so I was creating these very like heavy grief driven, almost political statement items. And I was super passionate about this, combining fashion with these experiences, these things that were really important to me outside of, you know, the pretty clothes. I leaned heavily into that and...

No one got it. No one understood it. No one got it. Everyone else was just creating stuff that was like artistic and pretty and it was absolutely fine. There's a place for that, right? But it really, really felt like no one was getting it. And...

There was no guidance for me during that time and I think I internalised a lot of the critique of that work. I took it to mean that I was too much, right? I knew that what I was creating was a lot for people to understand. Now, at 38, realising the world is still...

a shitty place, and how awful the reality of this is. I'm like, was I just ahead of my time? Was I just in the wrong spaces? I'm so frust- I'm so frustrated looking back at that time, because as I said, the adults around me, the people, the lecturers, the teachers, they...

made me believe that it was too much,

And I internalized that. By extension, I believe that I was too much, that I was talking about things that it wasn't my place to talk about. What did I know? I was a teenager. And so I just stopped. I stopped playing with fashion. I stopped talking about the things that I was passionate about. You know, 16, 17 year old Melanie was really eager.

to do something great was really eager to... I don't want to say fix the world, but I was really, really interested in making the world a better place. However I could do that, whatever that meant. And I think I tried to do that with fashion it was kind of this critique that I guess, because I was grieving,

I couldn't take that as well,

And so I just stopped for like the next 15 or so years. And I have to also consider that

You I was in a larger body, I think I really felt like so much of an outsider that I decided that I needed to just try and simmer it down, you know? Step back, stop putting yourself out there, like just fall in line, right? And I did that for so long and it wasn't until six, almost seven years ago.

that I read the book Playing Big by Tara Mohr I've mentioned this book before on the show and I'm feeling cool to perhaps read or re-listen to this book because I haven't listened to it already for so long. But I read that book and specifically I did the future self-visualisation within the book and that was the first time that I'd really stopped and considered that I wasn't who I thought I would be at this point in my life.

I wasn't doing the things that I thought I'd be doing. I realized how almost lost I felt. How my home wasn't a reflection of who I really am. When I looked at this, in this visualization, this future version of myself, I was nothing like that. And I realized in that moment that I didn't have to wait. You know, the future is happening consistently.

And I didn't have to wait until I was 20 years from now, 30 years from now. And if I was going to be that person, if that was the person that I saw, well there was nothing stopping me from perhaps embracing that now. And that was really the starting point for me, where I started to challenge a lot of the rules and the things that I believed that I had to do.

the things about myself. I was still very much trying to make myself smaller, but at the same time I was challenging some of these other beauty standards and I started to just open myself up to other opportunities and things that I hadn't considered before. I started to play with fashion again, I started to consider what I actually liked. You know, even as I said the reflection of my own home, it didn't reflect me. I...

I was definitely loved and I had people around me who loved me and our home was a home, it was cozy and it was ours. But it wasn't a reflection of who I am, it wasn't a reflection of who we are. And I think that's also because I didn't really know. I didn't know who I was, I didn't know who I am, because I've been playing all these parts for so long, for so many years. I had been pretending to be a simmered down

quieter, less weird, less quirky, less vocal version of myself. And six years ago I slowly started peeling that back and I started to embrace the things that I had pushed away. And it sounds so benign, but you know, it started with like wearing lipstick, dyeing my hair red. I started to embrace my love of country music. That one has become a little bit

a bit tough. Me and country music are not quite as friendly as we used to be. But I started to actually talk about those things, things that I kind of always kept secret because I didn't want people to know these things about myself. I didn't want people to think I was weird. Now I'm like...

Let me show you how weird I can be. Let me talk about it. Let me introduce you to my weird side. And you might be wondering what this has to do with fashion. For me, it has everything to do with fashion because one of those, those pieces of myself that I left back in 2005, 2006 was fashion and clothing. As I said, you know, I was studying fashion in college and

For me, fashion was political, it was a way to express how I was feeling, it was a way to express my grief. And because for some people it was too much, I stopped doing it. And you know, it is what it is, it led me here. But at end of the day, like, I wish I could say to 17 year old me, this isn't you, find different people, like...

Go somewhere else, you know, this isn't about you, this is about them, they are being small-minded, this isn't about your voice or what you have to say. So, kind of realizing that by hosting this podcast, creating the content that I create, publishing full volume, all of these things, they make my inner teen so happy. These are the things.

that I wished I could have been doing all those years ago. These are things that essentially I was attempting to do, but in a pre-social media space. But I was young, and I was grieving, and I was feeling very lost as well, and so it took me a while, but we got back there. And so the conversations, not just in this season, but in today's episode, are really... born.

from that version of me who knew that fashion was political, who knew that fashion could be a way not just to express ourselves, but to express our feelings, to express how we are feeling, to express what we see in the world. And I think fashion has always been that.

And there's no denying that existing in a fat body, getting dressed in a fat body, right now more than ever I feel like it is such an act of resistance because everything is screaming at us to be smaller, to take up less space, to be quiet.

And I started this conversation, I think back in episode 22, is about an hour long episode. If you haven't listened to it, I highly recommend. In that hour, I talk about a lot of different areas of fashion, the politics of plus size fashion, visibility, the erasure. I get into a lot. And what I realized after that episode, and I listened to it recently, relistened to it recently.

is that despite the fact that I cover so much ground, there is so much still to discuss. Every part of that episode could be a season of the show in itself. There is so much there. And that episode really helped form Bellyache, which is a segment of full volume. Bellyache is a segment where I get to essentially rant and discuss the...

discrimination that is happening within the fat community, the discrimination that is happening to fat bodies.

And in this first issue, I talk about plus size fashion and about the erasure of fat bodies.

I wrote, when we talk about plus size fashion, we're not just talking about cute outfits, though we do love a cute outfit. We're talking about access, equity, self-expression and survival. We're talking about the emotional cost of being told your body doesn't belong in the world as it is. You know, the assumption made by so many people is that someone should just lose weight.

If I want access to something that I don't have access to because of the size of my body, well, I should just lose weight. And it doesn't matter whether that is medical care, a job or clothing.

The belief is that it is easy to lose weight. The belief is that that is the solution. I've said it before and I'll say it a million times, weight loss is not the solution. Weight loss may solve an individual's quote unquote issue. It may change the way society perceives their body. But there's two things it doesn't do. It doesn't change weight discrimination, size discrimination, fat discrimination. It doesn't change

actual structure, it doesn't change the system that tells us there's only one way to have a body. And it won't change how we as individuals feel about ourselves, because these systems will find a different insecurity to prey on, and a lot of the time how we feel about ourselves actually has nothing to do with our weight.

Because this is something that we have, this is something that is nurtured. We were not born thinking, my thighs look big in that. Right? That's not something we're born believing. It is nurtured, it is taught. It's passed down to us like an unwanted heirloom, generation after generation. And so this assumption that weight loss will fix the problem, it doesn't.

Even if every single fat person were to lose weight, it won't change the system. Because the system will find other insecurities, because it's about control. And if a system that wants control over people is using weight and size as a way to do that,

Right?

If it was about our health, then it wouldn't just be about our physical health. If it was about our health, then they would look at all of the actual reasons why people are in larger bodies, and not just what they think, not just their bias, not just what they assume. They would actually talk to fat people and listen.

So yeah, weight loss is not the solution. It may be a solution individually for people if they choose to do so, because, know, autonomy always, you can do what you want with your body, but don't believe that it's going to change the system.

So when we're talking about fashion, clothing in particular, what we need to remember is that whilst things like fast fashion don't fit anyone's body perfectly, because it's made from low quality fabric, it's not designed to last, we have to keep in mind that people in smaller bodies have access to better quality items. There is choice for them on the high street. There's choice at the local mall, even online.

If I go into the city on a weekend with the intention of buying clothing, I have one store guaranteed to stock my size.

There may be a couple of department stores that might go up to a 24. I'm a 24, 26. They might go up to a 24, but there's going to be limited, very limited choices. And it's no guarantee it will fit because they're not plus size brands. They are just fashion brands that have done extended sizes. So there's no guarantee that a size 24 across all of these brands is going to actually fit me.

And I think it's really important to understand what I mean when I'm talking about less choice, right? A lack of access. So

ASOS sells roughly nine and a half thousand dresses for sizes eight to 14. That's per size, right? So size eight, size 10, size 12, and size 14, nine and a half thousand dresses roughly for each dress size. These are UK sizes.

We still, if you do your research here in the UK and apparently in the US and across Europe and even into Australia, the average size is apparently a size 16. I still question how that maths is done, but anyway, the average size is size 16. So a size 16, you have 8,000 options.

If you're a size 18, it goes down to five and a half thousand.

That size 18 is pretty much where most high street stores stop. Anything above that is considered extended or plus size. So a size 20, a thousand options. So if you are a size 20, you have eight and a half thousand less choices than someone as a size 10.

There are just 5,000 dress options across sizes 20 to 30. Size 20, 22, 24, 26, 28, and size 30. There are less than 5,000 options, meaning that plus size bodies have less choice than someone who is a size 18. Anyone above a size 20 has less choice than someone who is a size 18. Now,

I'm gonna just say that I don't think ASOS needs to sell nine and a half thousand dresses for anyone. Nine and a half thousand dresses is an awful lot of options. Even a thousand dresses is a lot of choice. So when I say, that we only have five thousand options, that's not because I actually think we need more options. I think we need

better options, not necessarily more.

I don't think that we need to have nine and a half thousand dresses available at every dress size. I actually think that we all need, in every size, the same choices, the same options, better quality clothes that are actually designed to fit that size and shape body. We need options where we can easily customise things, options where we could tailor things.

but maybe I'm asking too much.

But this is the cycle that brands who are focused on profit instead of people are going to get into because they prioritize their straight sized customers. I've talked about this before on the show. I talk about it in episode 22. The fashion industry and the diet industry have a symbiotic relationship. They work in tandem. They work together in order to profit each other.

Right? So they prioritise maximising their profit. They are going to assimilate and they are going to align themselves with thinness.

There is more money in it for them. Whether or not it costs more money to make plus size clothes is irrelevant because they don't see it as profitable. And when we are in a... we are in a season where so many people are choosing to pursue weight loss and choosing to pursue intentional thinness,

There is going to be more profit in selling those smaller clothes.

I think the argument for thrifting, upcycling, buying sustainably is incredibly important. I also don't think that right now in the economic climate we're in and when fat folks have less and less choice, I don't believe that we should be shaming- I don't think we should shame anyone, but I specifically don't think we should be shaming fat folks for using fast fashion brands, for basically getting their clothes where they can.

In addition to that, I think there are brands like Lucy and Yak and Joanie, to name a couple, who try to offer some kind of sustainability program. So Lucy and Yak offer a re-yak program where you can take your old Lucy and Yak dungarees or pieces of clothing, you can go to their stores and you can basically get a voucher, which you can then use against full price items.

they will then sell those pieces on. I know they also do other programs where you can learn how to customize or change pieces that you have. You can learn how to fix things. Joanie also have something similar where they talk about how you can hem things yourself. They talk about how you can, you know, fix something if it gets damaged or if like a belt loop breaks or there's a whole like how to essentially continue wearing that piece of clothing. And

I'll be honest, I take both of those brands and their actions with a pinch of salt because I'm like, I don't know how sustainable it is when both of these brands still sell their pieces of clothing.

at a higher price, there's still an element of fast fashion. Do I think they're better than other brands? Yes, potentially. But again, I think that there is an argument to be made for that. I just think we have to be conscious of the discrimination and the reality of the world we're living in right now. Fast fashion is everywhere. And yes, I have no doubt to the extent in which it is damaging

our world and climate, but I also understand that it is not accessible for everyone.

And we just have to keep in mind that whilst yes, it's accessible, yes, it may be cheaper. It's also playing into the systems that tell us we need to look a certain way.

it plays into trends. And so of course, fast fashion is going to be profitable when we live in a society that's telling us that we should be changing how we dress and who we are with the seasons.

Even when we look at fashion trends it's easy to forget that for those of us in larger bodies most of the time when people create fashion, plus-size fashion, trends are ignored.

A lot of the time plus size fashion is infantilized or hypersexualized. I swear that some of these brands must sit in their design meetings and they're like, how much random shit can we put on a t-shirt for these, these plus size bodies? Like how much shit can we put on this t-shirt so they don't buy it?

Because then if they don't buy it, we can blame them and say, well, you didn't buy our clothes. And I really, I'm convinced this is a cycle that they get into because they blame us for not buying their clothing, right? They can't profit off of us at the same time. I'm like, you're making shit we don't want. You're not making this for your straight sized customers. Why are you making it for us? So it's, it's a complicated one because at the same time, trends get ignored.

it's assumed that all people in larger bodies must dress the same way. When you look at a brand, for example, a brand here in the UK called New Look, they're a high street brand, they're definitely fast fashion. They have so many choices for their straight sized customers and they have a decent collection for plus size. I would say the sizing is at least two sizes out. I have to go up two sizes in their clothes.

So even if they go up to a size 30, really they're only going up to a size 26, 28 at the most. In addition to that, when you look at their new season collections, plus sizes, it's like we're on the outside. It's like we are on the perimeter of what is quote unquote trending. You might get the colours, you might get the prints, you might get the same fabrics, but it's never going to be the same. The structure of the pieces are never the same.

For example I'm in the market for a pair of like tailored, checked, tweedy style shorts. I would fucking love those, right? A pair of tailored shorts, maybe with like a little belt, and to wear those with tights, I... yes, like that, that is on my wishlist. They sell loads of them in their straight size collection, but there isn't a single pair. Not a single pair in their plus size collection.

I know why. This is something I definitely want and I'm sure I'm not the only one. But anyway, I digress. So trends are often ignored for plus sizes. Whether or not I agree with creating these fashion trends or not, they are ignored. It's assumed we all dress the same or that we just don't care about how we look because we're fat. So of course we don't care about ourselves, right?

It is assumed that our body is a reflection of that. It plays into the rhetoric that fat folks are fat because they don't care about themselves. Therefore, why would we want to dress ourselves in trending clothes? Or why would we want to dress in a way that makes us feel sexy? Or makes us feel confident? It is a, again, a system of control. It's designed to keep us in this space where we're not allowed.

to look quote unquote as trendy or stylish or couture as people in smaller bodies.

Trends get saved for thin bodies, right? They become this reward saved for when our body meets this patriarchal beauty standard.

Equally, when there are trends, like for example the oversized t-shirt trend, right, so now you've got people in smaller bodies wearing t-shirts that would probably fit me. Nobody wants to make plus-sized oversized t-shirts.

and once again we end up on this like outside this perimeter of a trend. It's like we're looking in at what is available but we can't have access to it.

And again, the solution is not weight loss. The solution is size inclusivity.

The fashion brand Viva Voce, if you don't follow them, you should definitely go check them out on social media. I will link them, tag them in the show notes. They asked this question online recently, which is, do you wish straight-sized people understood about the plus-size shopping experience? And this question really stuck with me and I'm going to be sharing many of my thoughts in an upcoming guest article on Substack. But one thing...

would like people to know is that for many folks who have grown up in plus-size bodies and then become plus-size adults, we don't know what our style aesthetic is, right? We don't know what our style is.

And listen, this may not uniquely be a fat problem, but I think the reason why we don't know what our style is, is uniquely a fat problem. Right,

I will take you back to the early 2000s when I was a fashion obsessed teen sitting in my bedroom, Backstreet Boys was playing on my stereo and I would just flick through all of the glossy pages of magazines of Seventeen and Sugar and

everything was low-sung jeans and baby doll tops. Definitely some trends that were not made for my body. But they hung perfectly off the models on those pages, and most high street stores at that time did not stock above a size 16. I'm not sure if I was actually sized out.

already at that point, or I was so ashamed of my body shape and size that I wouldn't try on the bigger sizes, the sizes that may well have fit me. And that's something I've come to recognise in the last few years, because I see pictures of myself at that age and I'm like... really? Did things not fit me? Or was it just that I had a lot of feelings about my body? I honestly don't know. And I got to look...

these clothes. I got to look at the trends, I got to see them come alive on my friends bodies as they discussed how fat they felt in the changing rooms.

But as a teenager, I wasn't able to shop the latest trends. I couldn't try the different fabrics and the silhouettes and the cuts. I couldn't figure out what I liked. And I became an adult, like so many of us, who had even less options. I didn't know that there were plus-size brands, even though I had watched my mum shopping those when I was younger. But they didn't seem quote unquote stylish. They didn't seem trendy. They weren't fashionable.

And think often because of that, we become completely disillusioned by clothes shopping in general, right? Because even plus size stores miss the mark selling stereotypical plus size items, assuming that we all dress the same, assuming even though they cater for plus sizes, assuming that we don't want to look quote unquote trendy.

And when you're limited to one or two stores with limited choice, you're left asking yourself, is this my style or is this just all I'm left with? Right, is this my style or is this all I'm left with? If these are my only options.

How do I know if this is even what I would wear if I could- if I had the same choice as somebody in a smaller body? And the lack of options also plays into the fat stereotype that we don't take care of ourselves, that we don't care about our appearance, because of course if we did then surely we'd be thin, right?

And internalised fatphobia will also prevent us from being able to break free of those stereotypes and those anti-fat narratives around our own bodies, because we won't look for other fat bodies if we don't like our own body. We'll believe the lies that we're not worthy of access to trends at this size. We'll hide our bodies and see our body through a negative body image lens. We won't...

see the potential of clothing or styles when all we see is the part of ourselves that we've been told is too much.

Right, we will believe we have to hide those parts of ourselves, that we can't show them, that the world isn't allowed to see them.

period of time, a very short period of time, but a period of time when I was around 17 or 18, I was in a plus size body and deep.

deep deep deep in my Carrie Bradshaw phase. Now I'm not really sure I ever left that place, but at that point I was focused on thrifting, finding vintage things and styling, rather than the size of the piece of clothing. Because inevitably vintage clothing comes up smaller, and so really the size of the piece didn't matter. What I was more interested in was how it looked. I was interested in what it looked like, I was interested in the style of it.

And I remember feeling kind of free and comfortable in my body for a while. And this is how I feel now 20 years later. I don't give a shit what size my clothes are, because we all know that clothes sizing is bullshit. It's nonsense. We all know that, no matter what dress- no matter what clothing size we are, we all know that it's bullshit.

And I certainly look at clothing differently now. I mean, I don't care what size it is. I don't care what the numbers are inside my pants. It doesn't make any difference to me. But it's been a journey to get to that point. There was definitely a period of time where I would just buy random pieces of clothing that possibly might fit me someday. I had a whole closet of some day items when I was trying to lose weight. And then...

After I quit dieting and I started to discover pre-loved items on Vinted, I really fell into the habit of buying something just because it was my size, not considering whether I'd wear it or how I'd wear it. The bonus of that was that I could resell things pretty easily. So I would encourage if you are in a larger body and you're trying to figure out your sense of style, try using pre-loved websites like Vinted, Depop, eBay.

because you can try new brands and you can figure out what you actually like and if something doesn't fit you can resell it and I think it's a really great way of discovering brands that you've never heard of, brands that you didn't know catered for plus sizes, I found a lot of those and also it really can help you to figure out what your style is. I'm not saying we have infinite choice still.

But there is a lot of choice. There are also a lot of people who are currently in the process of making their bodies smaller and they are reselling their clothes. And so I will take that as a win because there are a lot of options available on these pre-loved websites.

I've certainly seen how my style has evolved over the last year, year and a half. I have certainly allowed myself to experiment and try out different things. I have just definitely decided what fabrics I love, what kinds of silhouettes I prefer. I'm willing to play around with it and have fun. Yes, a lot of the time I am casual and comfy.

But even within that I've tried to find pieces that are within a certain colour palette that I prefer. And at this point I don't really want to label my style. I know that I have a warmer weather kind of style and a cooler weather style. I very much prefer being cooler weather. I can play more with layers and accessories. It's just not something I... when I'm hot I just don't have as much interest.

in layering and jewelry. I try, but it's hard. But I'm also curious whether I don't label my style because I don't think I'm worthy of those labels. You know, is it because I don't want to limit myself or is it because I still

in some way don't feel like I am allowed to be a part of that space. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. And I know that, you know, when I, when it's warm, I will lean more towards like darker bohemian vibes.

In the cooler weather I love texture of tweed and velvet and corduroy and I've noticed that apparently my vibe is like grandpa chic and academia and I love that. I saw someone recently describe one of their outfits as a 70s librarian who also solves crime on the side. That's a vibe. That's the vibe I want to go for. I want to be

a 70s librarian who's solving crime. Like, I think that's so cool. ⁓ And I love unique pieces and whimsical things. That's something I've always been interested in, I've always liked to have something different.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that finding your style as a fat person is political for sure, but it's also, it can also feel like a fucking commitment, right? Because it can take time. It can take time to find the brands and the pieces that you really like. It can take more than one season of wearing something to decide, is this really what I want? Is this for me? Is this something I love?

takes a lot of trust. And if you want to do it sustainably, it also means you're going to buy things that don't fit. Right? You're going to buy things that won't fit. And sometimes you even find a brand that you love and you have pieces from them and then you buy something different and it still doesn't fucking fit. And look, I get disappointed too.

I get really disappointed when something doesn't fit me, especially if it's my brand that I have already in my wardrobe. That really annoys me. But the difference is I don't get disappointed in myself or my body. I think that's something that we have to just understand the difference between being disappointed in the brand and the manufacturing process.

and the design and the pattern and whoever was involved in that, right, we can be disappointed in that, but it shouldn't mean that we get disappointed with ourselves.

And it's really important that we build awareness around that. We notice it. Our bodies exist. We shouldn't have to change our body size or shape to fit into a piece of clothing. Clothing is manufactured.

and made it should fit our bodies. Right? So I think that's a really important thing to remember is that you will buy clothing that doesn't fit. It doesn't mean you need to change everything about you or your life because of that piece of clothing.

And I think also keeping in mind that clothing can be fun, right? Style has become a hobby for me. I've also found so much joy in this process of figuring out what I love.

and I also get to share that with the world, Fashion is joyous, it is rebellious

Showing up as yourself is political. It always has been. Especially when we challenge the stereotypical beauty standards that exist, that tell us there is only one way to have a body. So to see fashion brands who really play on the edge of these beauty standards, who have embraced things like

comfort and bold patterns to align themselves with the diet industry? I don't know, that seems... it doesn't sit well. It doesn't sit well with me at all.

So as we come to the end of this episode, as promised, I want to share with you some tools and practices that I've used and continue to use when I am playing with fashion, when I'm getting dressed, when I'm talking about clothes, when I'm thinking about clothes. I spend a lot of time thinking about fashion, I'm not going to lie. But these tools and practices really can help us to not just find our sense of style, but to also help heal the relationship.

that has probably been passed down to us from past generations growing up when we were getting dressed, if you constantly heard the word flattering, if you were constantly encouraged to hide your body, to hide your softness and your roles, your skin, your stretch marks, like I was, then

there's a lot of unlearning to be done and I think it's really helpful for us to have tools and things that we can practice when we're getting dressed.

So first thing is I try to not say I am a size blank. I do think I've already said it in this episode. I think I said earlier that I'm a size 24, 26. I try to say my suggested clothes size is X, Y, For me, I make content about clothing. I do talk about my clothes size because I think that's an important piece of context for people who are looking at my outfits to understand and recognize.

especially if they are looking for something similar. Yes, that's important for me personally when I'm creating content. But for example, when I'm shopping, I always know that there's like a range. I know which things I'm probably not gonna fit into and I know which things might be too big. So I know I have probably three sizes where that's the kind of range of clothing that I'm looking at. And so I know that clothing sizing is bullshit. I know that it's not my identity.

just because I have a range of clothes sizes in my closet, it doesn't mean that that's me, who I am. And so instead of saying I'm a size X, I like to say my suggested clothes size is X, Y,

The language change just really helps me to recognize that I am not my size. Even though I talk about fashion all the time, even though I talk about being in a fat body all the time, it's still the least interesting thing about me, you know? So I like to try and switch out I'm a size X to my suggested clothes size is XYZ because most of us have a range of clothes sizing within our wardrobe. We know that clothes sizing

is complete bullshit and it is a suggestion, right? It is a suggestion. It is not this is me and my identity because also that clothes sizing is going to change. It's inevitable, right? It's inevitable that my suggested clothes sizing will change. A question that I like to ask myself is who am I getting dressed for? Who am I getting dressed for?

This is a really important question I ask myself when I'm maybe stepping out of my comfort zone. When I'm playing with something, a colour or a pattern or putting pieces together that I wouldn't normally wear. This is the question I ask myself because inevitably if there is the thought that this is too much

or that somebody is going to have a certain feeling or thought about it, I'm not thinking about who I'm truly dressing for, I am thinking about people who whose opinion doesn't matter. I'm thinking about people whose opinions I wouldn't trust them on any other subject. And if someone's going to have an opinion about how I'm dressed, they're probably somebody who I wouldn't trust anyway. So yeah, it helps me to kind of...

rationalise who am I getting dressed for? Because I'm always getting dressed for myself, let's be honest. I'm getting dressed for myself but maybe which version of myself am I getting dressed for? Am I trying to heal that inner teenager? Who am I getting dressed for?

Another question that I like to consider is where does this belief about clothing or style come from? Okay, so for example, if I hear myself saying I can't wear X, Y or Z, you know, I'm like, who the fuck said so? Right? That's probably the, that's probably the actual question I ask myself. Right? The polite version is where does this belief about clothing or style come from?

Or if you're like me, who the fuck said so? Who said so? Who told me I can't wear X, Y or Z? Who told me I can't have this piece of my body showing? Who told me this is too tight? Who told me I can't wear that colour? Who told me that that pattern is off limits? Who said so? Who said so? Who told you this? Where did this come from?

Is it true? Do you believe this? Or is this something you've been told?

Do you have, you know, do you really have any evidence for this? Also, who are you getting dressed for? Who the fuck said so and who are you getting dressed for?

It has helped me many times. When I'm buying pre-loved items, because as I said in this episode I buy a lot of pre-loved secondhand items, when I'm buying those pieces I will often ask myself would I buy this at full price? Right, would I buy this at full price? If I walked into a clothes store and I saw this piece of clothing hanging up

would I be interested enough that I would want to try it on? Or am I just being lured in by the price? And that's not to say that you can't buy things just because of the price, you have free will, but is this price per wear still worth it? Right? Is it still worth it? Because if you're never gonna wear it, then it's not really worth it because it's just gonna take up space. And I say this because, as I said, I've fallen into that

I've fallen into that train of thought so many times where I've bought things because it's in my size, I've bought things because it was cheap. And oftentimes I found that those things, look, not to say I haven't lucked out, I have bought some things very cheaply that are incredible, but also it can mean that the quality of that piece is not, it's not what it looks like in the image. ⁓ It's maybe worn.

that we realized.

It's- I think this is just something that over time I've realised that it's very easy to be lured in by the price of something. And so I just try to check in with myself, like, would I regret this if I didn't buy it? Is this something that I'm going to get a lot of wear from? And you get to decide what that means for you.

I'm a lot more thoughtful about purchases now than I used to be, and this is something I'm consistently trying to work on because I know that the one-ism that unfortunately I still participate far too often in is consumerism, and I'm trying to do better.

finally, if you feel nervous to take quote unquote risks with fashion, right, whatever that might mean for you, or you're not sure where to start, maybe just start by trying to break one of the fashion rules. Just one. One of the fashion rules to begin with. Trying to break all the rules at once might be a little bit overwhelming, might be intimidating.

So maybe just break one of those fashion rules, one of those generational style things, those rules that you were told as a young person. Choose one. Choose something that feels comfortable or moderately comfortable. Maybe just try wearing it around the house, right, before you wear it in public. I've thought about this a lot in terms of the way my kids' relationship with their body.

is vastly different to how mine was at that age. You know, in the summer, in the warmer months, he will happily sit without his, like, pyjama t-shirt on, right? And he will touch his stomach, he will shake his belly at me, he will... he will talk about himself with...

this kind of kindness and gentleness and softness that I certainly never had about my body until the last few years. And I was struck by...

What is it that has led to that? And I realised that I have hopefully led by example. I have talked about bodies in positive ways. I have used words that are kind and gentle and soft and compassionate, and I talk about my own body in that way. But I also noticed that in the last probably five or six years, as I have

healed that relationship with my own body, I am leading by example in the way that I will dress and wear clothes and get dressed in our own home, in the warmer weather, right? There was a time that even when it was hot out I would still be trying to hide my body and would be uncomfortable because I believed that my body deserved discomfort because of its size.

Now that I no longer believe that about myself, and I don't believe that about fat bodies, I know that we deserve comfort as well. I am more comfortable with my body being visible, with my body being show. I'm more comfortable wearing a crop top and shorts in the summer. I may not be comfortable wearing that in public, but I am comfortable wearing it around my home.

And I think that helps to lead... I hope, I hope, and I think that helps to show an example that bodies are coming in different shapes and sizes, and how I feel about my body is... it may not be the same as maybe how the public see my body, or how strangers might see my body, but that doesn't change how I feel about it. I also make sure that...

they are exposed to other content creators, you know, we'll sometimes sit and watch TikToks together. And they observed last night that most of the people who I follow who also do like fashion videos and things like that, they're like, you look all the same. I was like, I'm not sure that we do. He's like, yeah, they all look, you all look like each other. And I was like, okay, I'll take that. But it makes, it's really interesting how...

a younger person's perspective.

how different it can be to the perspective I had at his age. A little story. Again, we were watching TikTok videos together the other night and it was one of those videos, you may have seen this guy, he goes to people the streets of, I think mostly New York, and he's like, can I ask you how much you pay for rent for your house or your apartment? And this lady said, I own my home. And he goes and he's like, can I take a tour?

So she takes him into her home and she's walking around this magnificent home in, I think, the West Village. It was crazy and beautiful.

And I noticed her style, her sense of style, and just you could tell by the decor in her home, the color, the way she seemed to have fun with this stuff. Anyway, she alludes to the fact that she works in fashion and she talks about the fact that she's worked in fashion for, since she was a teenager, she started out as an apprentice and she used to, with her friends, on a weekend would go to all of the thrift stores and vintage shopping and would find really fun pieces to put together. And I'm listening and I'm watching this video and my kid says to me,

Sounds like you. She reminds me of you.

And was so interesting because the truth and the honesty of like, that's the kind of thing you love, which is true. My brain was like, yeah, but she's thin. And I caught my, I didn't say out loud, but I caught myself think, but that doesn't matter. They see you both love fashion. You both love vintage. You both love thrift shopping.

There's a commonality there and size has nothing to do with it in their eyes. And I was like, yes, and that is so, so important and it's something to hold on to. And yes, I may have the perspective and the reality of being 38 and looking at this going, okay, but you know, in the real world, unfortunately it does matter. And also it fucking shouldn't.

Right? It shouldn't matter. It shouldn't matter. Both myself and anyone else should be able to have access to the things that we want to have access to. We should be able to have fun and play with fashion if that is what we want. And being erased from the shelves, the racks, from the websites, it's not going to stop me from being interested and in

and having fun with clothing and fashion because it's something I've always loved. And there are so many folks out there who haven't been given the opportunity to find their sense of style, no matter what it may be, but they just haven't been given the opportunity to do that because they don't know which brands cater for plus sizes and now there's even less choice.

They haven't seen themselves. They haven't seen their body shape or their body type.

And so this is something that I will continue to talk about. It's a conversation that I want us to continue having because I don't want to share my outfits and my clothing suggestions or the brands that I love with the intention of everyone dressing like me. that's never been my intention. That is never going to be my intention. My intention is showing people in larger bodies.

Which brands exist? What the sizing is like? What the shape is like? What the fabric is like? What the price point is like? Tips on how to find pre-loved items, how to style them. But more so I want to help people find that for themselves.

You know, I know that I have a very specific colour palette and very specific sense of style, and I know there are things that I won't wear, because it's just not my preference. But it doesn't mean I don't appreciate it. And I just want people to...

figure that out for themselves. I want people to find that for themselves. And if I can help by sharing these tools and practices, by sharing my own body and my own experiences, then I will continue to do so. And I would love for you to participate in that and to share in that. So I want to invite you to share a rule breaking outfit.

moments, you know, maybe there's a piece of clothing or something in your wardrobe that you love that breaks all of those rules. I would love for you to share that, either in the chat, you can share it as a comment on this episode in sub stack, tag me on Instagram or TikTok. I want to see what your rule breaking outfit moments are. And if you have fat friendly brands

brands who consistently are still catering and fighting for plus sizes, please drop them in the comments of this episode. We need as many, as many recommendations as possible. And I will make sure that I link to everything I've mentioned in today's episode in the show notes. And I'll see you next time.